This is how to raise emotionally intelligent kids

This is how to raise emotionally mit anspruch kidsThis is how to raise emotionally intelligent kidsDealing with kids aint easy. They need an exhausting amount of attention and help.FromRaising An Emotionally mit anspruch ChildBehavioral psychologists have observed that preschoolers typically demand that their caretakers absprache with some kind of need or desire at an average rate of three times a minute.Most advice on parenting focuses on how to deal with misbehavior. While helpful, this is also akin to only offering advice on how to surviveaftera nuclear holocaust and not talking about how to prevent one. Whats the secret to making sure yur living room doesnt resemble a scene from Mad Max Fury Road?What usually underlies badeanstalt behavior is how the child handles negative emotions. And this is something we rarely teach deliberately and almost never teach well. Showing kids how to recognize and deal with feelings prevents misbehavior - and its a skill that will serve them their entire lives. It prevents tantrums at age 4 but its also the difference between saving college money and saving bail money later on. Look at it as potty training for feelings.But how do wedothat?ProfessorJohn Gottmanis the guy who revolutionized the study of relationships, getting it to the point where he could listen to a couple for just a few minutes and determine with a frightening amount of accuracy whether or not theyd divorce. Well, luckily, Gottman also analyzed parenting.And this wasnt the latest parenting theory-of-the-week that somebody came up with over lunch - this was a truly epic study of mind-bending proportions.He took over 100 married couples with kids ages 4 or 5 and gave themquestionnaires. Then conducted thousands of hours of interviews. He observed their behavior in his lab. Taped sessions of the kids playing with their best friends. Monitored heart rates, respiration, blood flow and sweating. Took urine samples - yeah,urine samples- from the kids to measure stress-related hormones. And then followed up with the children and families all the way through adolescence, conducting more interviews, evaluating academic performance and Okay, enough. You get it. The plans of Hollywood Bond Villains arent this thorough. And when it came to dealing with emotions, Gottman realized there are 4 types of parents. And three aint so hotDismissing parents They disregard, ignore, or trivialize negative emotions.Disapproving parents. Theyre critical of negative feelings and punish kids for emotional expression.Laissez-Faire parents They accept their childrens emotions and empathize with them, but dont offer guidance or set limits on behavior.Children of ansicht parents didnt do as well over time. They misbehaved more, had trouble making friends or had self-esteem problems. One of them may be breaking into your car right now.And then there were the Ultra-Parents. ansicht mothers and fathers unknowingly used what Gottman calls emotion-coaching. And this pro duced emotionally intelligent kids. These parents accepted their childrens feelings (but not all of the childrens behavior), guided the kids through emotional moments, and helped them problem-solve their way to a solution that didnt involve putting the neighbors kid in the emergency room.How did these tykes end up?FromRaising An Emotionally Intelligent ChildThe children were better at soothing themselves when they were upset. They could calm down their hearts faster. Because of the superior performance in that part of their physiology that is involved in calming themselves, they had fewer infectious illnesses. They were better at focusing attention. They related better to other people, even in the tough social situations they encountered in middle childhood like getting teased, where being overly emotional is a liability, not an asset. They were better at understanding people. They had better friendships with other children. They were also better at situations in school that require d academic performance. In short, they had developed a kind of IQ that is about people and the world of feelings, or emotional intelligence.And it all came down to how the parents handled the childs negative emotional outbursts. These parents did five things that the other types rarely did.Alrighty, lets get to it 1) Be aware of emotionsParenting is stressful and can feel non-stop. Often its not like running a marathon - its like running until you die. So theres a natural tendency to look around when things are (finally) calm and think, Nothing is currently on fire. Okay, life is good.But this can be like standing in a coal mine ignoring the thousands of dead canaries. Usually emotions precede outbursts. So noticing the childs emotions early - and not just the resulting bad behavior - is critical.Not misbehaving doesnt mean not upset. When a passive-aggressive spouse crosses their arms, scowls and says, Im fine, at leastyou know theyre definitely not fine.Kids may not even unders tand what theyre feeling or how to best express it. So being aware and noticing early can prevent Tonka trucks from taking flight without FAA approval.But the problem many parents have here is noticing theirownemotions. If youre not aware of your feelings and moods youll have trouble noticing and relating to those of others.FromRaising An Emotionally Intelligent ChildOur studies show that for parents to feel what their children are feeling, they must be aware of emotions, first in themselves and then in their kids Emotional awareness simply means that you recognize when you are feeling an emotion, you can identify your feelings, and you are sensitive to the presence of emotions in other people.Dont be afraid to show emotions in front of your kids. Gottman found that even anger (as long as its expressed respectfully and constructively) has its place. If parents hold back from showing feelings then kids can learn Mom and dad dont have these emotions and neither should I.Seeing argumen ts and then seeing them resolved amicably is far better than never seeing them at all.Kids need a role model not just for values, but also for feelings.FromRaising An Emotionally Intelligent ChildSuch moms and dads may try to compensate for their fear of losing control by being super-parents, hiding their emotions from their children The irony is that by hiding their emotions, these parents may be raising youngsters who are even less capable of handling negative emotions than they would have been if their parents had learned to let their feelings show in a nonabusive way. Thats because the kids grow up emotionally distant from their parents. Also, the children have one less role model to teach them how to handle difficult emotions effectively.Shielding kids from emotional situations and then sending them out into the world is like sending an athlete to the Olympics with no training. Kids need those moments in order to learn how to regulate their feelings.(To learn more about the sci ence of a successful life, check out my bestselling bookhere.)Notice feelings now and avoid a crisis later. But what perspective did the smart parents take when outbursts did occur?2) Emotion is an opportunity for intimacy and teachingIts understandable to see a tantrum as an irrational inconvenience that should be eliminated ASAP. But the parents whose children thrived saw outbursts as teaching moments and a time to obligation with their kid. Yeah, that doesnt always feel natural when a child is angrily throwing things.Does saying anything resembling, You should not feel this way ever work with emotional adults? Exactly. Then it sure as hell isnt going to work with your kid. SayingTheres nothing to be afraid of, or Oh, itll be fine is dismissive. This is how kids learn to doubt their own judgment and lose confidence.The Emotion-Coaching parents realized that a tantrum was the best time to connect with their child and teach them a valuable skill.Yes, you need to stop misbehavior imm ediately. But you want to do it in a way specific to the childs actions and not make it about their identity. So you want to say, We dont paint Grandmas couch purple, instead of, Stop being a nightmare The children who consistently heard the latter did not fare as well in Gottmans follow ups.FromRaising An Emotionally Intelligent ChildWhen we checked in with these same families three years later, we found that the children who experienced such disrespectful, contemptuous behavior from their parents were the same kids who were having more trouble with schoolwork and getting along with friends. These were the kids who had higher levels of stress-related hormones in their bodies. Their teachers reported they were having more behavior problems, and their moms reported they had more illnesses.It takes practice but you want to see kids emotional pain like youd see their physical pain. Its not their fault. Its a challenge theyre facing. And one you can help them with.(To learn the two-word morning ritual that will make you happy all day, clickhere.)Okay, so youve got the right perspective. Youre an emotional mentor, not a corrections officer. But what do you actually do to help?3) Listen empathetically and validate feelingsDont argue the facts. Feelings arent logical. You wouldnt expect the new employee to know how to find the bathroom and you shouldnt expect a child to know how to handle emotions that, frankly, you still have problems dealing with after decades of experience.Dont immediately try to fix things. You need to establish youre a safe ally before you can solve anything.Understanding must precede advice, and, just as with adults,theydecide when you understand.The critical distinction Gottman realized is that its important toaccept all feelings - but not all behavior.If you skip immediately to problem-solving, the kid never learns the skill of how to deal with those uncomfortable emotions.You want to use empathetic listening. Get them to talk. Help them cla rify. Validate their feelings (but, again, not necessarily their behavior). They need to feel you really understand and are on their side.Take a deep breath, relax and focus on them. Theyll notice if youre impatient or frustrated and just going through the motions.FromRaising An Emotionally Intelligent ChildIn this context, listening means far more than collecting data with your ears. Empathetic listeners use their eyes to watch for physical evidence of their childrens emotions. They use their imaginations to see the situation from the childs perspective. They use their words to reflect back, in a soothing, noncritical way, what they are hearing and to help their children label their emotions.Relate their child problems to adult problems in your head to help you empathize.But why is she freaking out about her new baby brother? It makes no senseReally? How would you like it if your spouse brought home a new lover and expected you to welcome them into the home? Get out of your head an d into theirs. Relate. Empathize.Probing questions may be too much for a little kid. It can feel like interrogation. They may not even know why theyre sad. Try sharing simple observations. Say, I noticed that you frowned when I mentioned going to the party and then wait for a response.(To learn the 4 rituals neuroscience says will make you an awesome parent, clickhere.)Alright, theyre opening up. How do you calm them down and teach them how to cope?4) Help them label their emotionsA young child is not going to be able to say, Dearest mother, I apologize for my unnecessary irritability. My transition to the new kindergarten class has caused me an unexpected amount of stress. My future academic adjustments will be conducted with a level of grace heretofore unseen in our lovely household.Youve got the words they dont.Help them get a handle on whats going on by labeling what they feel.FromRaising An Emotionally Intelligent ChildProviding words in this way can help children transform an amorphous, scary, uncomfortable feeling into something definable, something that has boundaries and is a normal part of everyday life. Anger, sadness, and fear become experiences everybody has and everybody can handle. Labeling emotions goes hand in hand with empathy. A parent sees his child in tears and says, You feel very sad, dont you? Now, not only is the child understood, he has a word to describe this intense feeling. Studies indicate that the act of labeling emotions can have a soothing effect on the nervous system, helping children to recover more quickly from upsetting incidents.Dont gloss over this. Labeling is absurdly powerful.Neurosciencehas repeatedly demonstrated its ability to soothe emotions. Its one of the main techniqueshostage negotiatorsuse to keep the most dangerous situations calm.So when a child is crying because their sister got a better gift than they did, you dont want to be dismissive and say, Im sure youll get a better present next time. You want to vali date and label the feeling with something like, You wish youd gotten something more fun. I bet that makes you feel kind of jealous.Now the kid is thinking, They understand me. And theyve learned something about how to cope by talking it out and labeling the emotions to get a handle on them. And Gottman found this leads to really good things.FromRaising An Emotionally Intelligent ChildAs we have discussed earlier, the implications of teaching a child to self-soothe are enormous. Kids who can calm themselves from an early age show several signs of emotional intelligence They are more likely to concentrate better, have better peer relationships, higher academic achievement, and good health. My advice to parents, then, is to help your kids find words to describe what they are feeling. This doesnt mean telling kids how they ought to feel. It simply means helping them develop a vocabulary with which to express their emotions.(To learn how to make sure your kids are resilient, clickhere.)T heyre more calm. The storm has passed. Theyre learning about emotions. But how do you teach them better behavior and how to fix the actual problem?5) Set limits and help them problem-solveAgain, all feelings are acceptable - but all behavior isnt. You need to set limits.The parent-child relationship is not a democracy. Once the emotions are dealt with, you can be firm.FromRaising An Emotionally Intelligent ChildAfter the parent acknowledges the emotion behind the misbehavior and helps him to label it, the parent can make sure the child understands that certain behaviors are inappropriate and cant be tolerated. Then the parent can guide the child into thinking of more appropriate ways to handle negative feelings. Youre mad that Danny took that game away from you, the parent might say. I would be, too. But its not okay for you to hit him. What can you do instead?After youve listened empathetically, labeled feelings, and set limits on any bad behavior, its time to fix things. Someone needs to lead the problem solving. And that person isnotyou.This is another skill you want to help them develop. You wont always be there to tell them what to do. So encourage them to come up with ideas, guide them to a solution in line with your values that is effective and takes other peoples feelings into consideration. This is how emotionally intelligent kids become resourceful, responsible children.(To learn how to be a better parent, from Wharton professor Adam Grant, clickhere.)Okay, weve learned a lot. Lets round it up and address the question every realistic parent has been thinking from the startHow the heck am I supposed to do all of this stuff when Im stressed to the gills, were in the middle of the mall, and already 15 minutes late for a doctors appointment?Yes, there is an answer Sum upThis is how to raise emotionally intelligent kidsBe aware of emotions Canaries. Coal mines. Sometimes you can ignore the words but if you ignore the underlying feelings youre going to be cleaning spaghetti off the walls.Emotion is an opportunity for intimacy and teaching The best lessons about dealing with emotions are learned when things get emotional. Yes, this is inconvenient.Listen empathetically and validate feelings Accept all feelings but not all behavior. Dont interrogate, validate.Help them label their emotions Youve got the words they dont. It works for hostage negotiators so use it to make sure your kids dont end up talking to hostage negotiators.Set limits and help them problem-solveWe dont stab Timmy. Now how might we be able to exact revenge in a way that doesnt leave evidence?You dont always have time to do all of the above when a meltdown happens Or, more accurately, its extraordinarily rare when youeverhave time to. Understood.Dont worry. Gottman says you donthaveto do it when the problem occurs. That would be preferable, but as long as you set aside time to sit down and have the conversation, you can help your kid become more emotionally intellig ent.FromRaising An Emotionally Intelligent ChildIn an ideal world, wed always have time to sit and talk with our kids as feelings come up. But for most parents, thats not always an option. Its important, therefore, to designate a time- preferably at the same period each day- when you can talk to your child without time pressures or interruptions.Emotion-coaching is not a panacea. It doesnt have Harry Potter magic powers to turn your little devil into a little angel. There will still be outbursts. Youll still need discipline and limits. But with time itll build a tighter bond with your child and help them develop a skill that will benefit them the rest of their life.What most parents want more than anything is for their kids to be happy. Whats happiness? An emotion.So youll teach them to go potty. And school will teach them how to think.But more than anything, dont forget to teach them how to feel.Join over 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via emailhere.Thisarticleoriginally appeared atBarking Up the Wrong Tree.